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Jan. 29th, 2016
Justice for Kevin!
Hark! Your Lord Bulworth has news of Kevin! No sooner has the wayward Toad the Frog been returned from his time amongst the filthy Dwarfs then Kevin has been zombie-napped. This is no mere coincidence. Toad has been claiming that he was simply out drinking with his new Dwarven buddies but this has your Lord Bulworth hopping mad. It is painfully clear that the dwarfs are stealing and brainwashing Our star players. I suspect that Cleon will soon be receiving the ransom demands. Don't pay! The wretched Tor Shaleworker must be brought to justice!

In completely unrelated news, the big Slann brains have completed phase 1. Our "tests" of the new Engines of Destruction will begin shortly in the heart of the Misty Mountains. Love the Slann!! Be brave, Kevin!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Jan. 16th, 2016
Have you seen this Temnospondyl?
Woe! Toad the Frog has gone missing. Your Lord Bulworth finally has confirmation that he's been Slann-napped by the wretched dwarfs. Tor Shaleworker has been quoted as saying "Ya I have ur lineman." This must be some pathetic attempt at "Avengering". Your Lord Bulworth patiently awaits the ransom demands for our super-star lineman. But be forewarned, he's got a gimpy leg and broken armour; don't expect a great payday!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Jan. 10th, 2016
Wretched Dwarfs tie the Mighty Slann 1-1
Hark! Heed the words of your unfathomable Lord Bulworth! We may have allowed some lackwit team of dwarfs to draw with us but the Mighty Slann knew there may be some growing pains transitioning into the 3rd dimension. No longer consisting of paper thin arms and corrugated cardboard legs we have found our dodging and weaving, leaping and diving tactics to be surprisingly dangerous. The Galling Tyrants had maintained their strangle-hold-domination on the match throughout but in the final play we heroicly scored on an outwitted dwarf defensive meltdown thus allowing the pitiful dwarfs their tie. But dear fans, maintain your love and faith! Team analysts are determined that we continue our transition... into the 4th dimension and beyond. Their Mighty Slann brains have calculated that a 4-dimensional passing attack will be virtually impossible to defend. There are some lingering concerns that a 4-dimensional passing attack may also be virtually impossible to perceive as well but we remain confidant that opponents will realize they have be beaten when we tell them so.
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Dec. 19th, 2015
From the Desk of Lord Bulworth the Unfat
Things todo today:
1. Work on new and compelling insults for the lesser races. (including but not limited to humans, elves, dwarves and halflings. Especially halflings... Especially Halflings!
2. Breakfast
3. Come up with exciting new Slann braggadocios and Slann propaganda. (including but not limited to the new "Kick a lizard today!" campaign)
4. Second Breakfast!
5. Oversee team practice and workout (whatever)
6. LUNCH!!!!
7. Nap time
8. Lunch!
9. Overlord the Slann brains with the engineering, designing, and implementeering of the new Engines of Destruction! (tm)
10. Dinner time!
11. Sleepy time!
12. Dream time (including but not limited to the new Engines of Destruction! (tm)
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Oct. 22nd, 2015
More support for best of 25 series!
Actually, this astute fan calls for best of 29 series and he may be on to something. Let's make this happen!

http://www.sbnation.com/mlb/2015/10/21/9...
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Apr. 20th, 2015
A Best of 1 Series Proves Inadequate
Behold! Your Lord Bulworth is defeated! Your Lord Bulworth is big. Big in both mind and spirit, and heart and, of course, body. But your Lord Bulworth is not too big to admit he may have made a mistake. In your Lord Bulworth's hubris He neglected to make the sufficient lizardling sacrifices. While One does not need excuses to eliminate lizardmen, One must always strive against the thralldom of the dreaded Gods of Chaos. Thus defeat! But a one-game series does not prove your dominance! On any given Saturday even the Mighty Slann may fall to the lesser beings(even dead ones). Therefore, Your Lord Bulworth must demand a new playoff structure. The playoffs must be a series of series. I propose a 19 game series to best determine true victory. None of this one and done ridiculousness. The final must be no less than 25 games. Anything less is just playing to the whims of Chance. We might as well just roll some dice! A one game playoff is entertaining for the fans but not the Slanns or the fans of Slanns. We must ensure the Mighty Slann have ample opportunity to rise above their lowly opponents and prevent them from being jobbed in the future.
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Apr. 8th, 2015
Lizard Lies
Your Lord Bulworth is disgusted! Your Lord Bulworth has been hacked! Your Lord Bulworth would never eat snotlings, whether BBQed, broiled or basted...and certainly never for breakfast! The Mighty Slann may feed on the fear, terror and gullibility of the lesser races but not on them themselves. Your Lord Bulworth suspects that this is yet another insidious act by the terrible lizardmen. Luckily they are not smart enough to actually do nefarious acts of sabotage against the Mighty Slann and instead only post disgusting, pathetic nonsense. Your Lord Bulworth cannot prove this but your Lord Bulworth knows that you know that your Lord Bulworth knows that you know this! Ban the lizards, Love the Slann!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Mar. 30th, 2015
Snotling's for breakfest
I eat BBQ snotling for breakfast.
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Mar. 16th, 2015
To the Office of the Commissioner
Dear The Big Green One,

I was fully prepared to let this matter go but then the Players' Union screwed Us yet again. Our brand-spanking new Kroxigor exploded into a fiery ball of ash the first time it took a hit. I realize it was again a lizard which are inferior creatures, but being of a lesser race yourself you must know that this is extreme behavior even for the lesser beings. It was obviously some cast off dreg from Brainey Barret's dungeon laboratory experiments. That it was sanctioned by the Players' Union proves that they are in league with the lizards attempting to artificially inflate players salaries both regular players and so-called 'Star Players'. Check the Pitch Privateers records and you will find that their players are all under long-term contracts and trying to gain advantage of us through over-paying our players. When was the last time the Privateers actually purchased mercenaries or 'Star Players'? They know the quality they are likely to receive. They are making a mockery of our league and action must be taken against them. This no longer affects only the Slann. There are now 2 lizard teams in the league. If you wait too long we will be completely overrun with lizards and it will be too late to stop them. TOO Late! I have recently been in contact with the 6th dimension and they tell me they have room and always need new slaves. Fine, you don't want to reimburse the Mighty Slann but we can still end this problem today with classically simple means.

Sincerely,
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Mar. 15th, 2015
Lord Bulworth Speaks!
Hark! Yet again your Lord Bulworth must complain. Your Lord Bulworth is getting mighty tired of dealing with the lesser races. The fouling situation in this league is unacceptable! The loving Slann wish to merely help our opponents off of the pitch or motivate them to get back in the game and yet We are continually getting called for 'fouling'. And this against the dwarfs. I ask again - what are these creatures? The mutant inbred offspring of humans? ...Of ugly humans? They are the very definition of 'foul' and yet We - the loving Slann - are the ones whistled for 'foul'. The refereeing is terrible! We need some of our Slann siblings to step up and referee. Perhaps this is the only way to set things right.

Happily, we moved past this 'foulness' as we prepared for our next match against the undead - zombies and ghouls. The team was enthusiastic; as last time we faced the so-called 'Walkers' we sent them running back to their mummies. Expectations were also high as the Blasfemous Abnormality was returning from the doctors. Some quack had earlier diagnosed it with a broken neck, yet everyone knows it has no neck to brake. That's one of it's abnormalities, second only to it's love of Maple Walnut ice-cream.

But the match would was not to go well. Undead coach Johnny Slammer had sussed a plan and they were performing it to perfection. He would position his team well within reach. Tantalizingly within reach. Goading and baiting your Lord Bulworth's team to go for it over and over. We sprinted and we lept. And each time they would taunt Us "Nah Nah Nah" from Our goal line as precious time ticked off the dreaded clock of time-keeping. And each time We would take the bait jumping, leaping until finally we were broken and bloody upon the pitch. Defeat!

Johnny Slammer, We salute you! You have proven yourself an acceptable foe and moreover, an undoubted Master Baiter. We will get you next time. Despite his uselessness this time, We plan to again use 'Chainsaw Dude' and are eager to watch you master bait against that.
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Mar. 3rd, 2015
Extra! Coach Carnage Spills His Guts
Transcript from the BBC(Blood Bowl Channel):

BURNT COOKIES INTREPID REPORTER: Can you tell us what happened a season ago? The Desert Dragons were flying high winning games and crushing opponents dead and then a 2nd half meltdown resulted in completely missing the playoffs. The blame was ultimately placed onto you and you were fired. How did this happen?

COACH CARNAGE: ssI wasn't fired. ssI quitsss.

BC: That's not the story we know. Why would you quit?

CC: I quitss because the ssDragonss are scheats and I didn't wantss no part of itsss.

BC: That's a heavy allegation; how did they cheat?

CC: Everywaysss sspossible. Smagic, genetic mutationsss, segg manipulationsss, smagic, sloaded dicesss, underage ssmoking, smagicsss. You namesss it.

BC: Hold on. That's a big list, do you have any proof of any of this.

CC: Swas there. SI ssaw it all. Ssno proofss because they are first classss at covering their paper trailsss. Sthat's why they changed the team namesss.

BC: But you don't have any proof of this?

CC: How much sskinks in a sskinks?

BC: I don't ...

CC: How much sauruss in a sauruss?

BC: ...

CC: 62% skinksss. 71% saurusss.

BC: Wait a minute, are you saying the skinks aren't pure skink? So what makes up the other 48%?

CC: Saurusss and ...

BC: The other 39% of saurus' are ... Kroxigors?

CC: Ssexactly.

BC: Which leaves the obvious question of much Kroxigor in a Kroxigor?

CC: Ssidiot pinky! Krox is all Krox but ssthey have the transssplanted brain of a chimpanzee.

BC: I don't... Why...

CC: Becaussse a lizard isss sbonehead. I mean Krox. A Krox isss ssa bonehead!

BC: Indeed. And is this all the lizards? I mean, there is a new lizardman team this season, are they also "cheating?"

CC: Ssdon't know for suresss, butss probably. The bastardsss wouldn'tsss hire me. SSsaid i was a sssnake, not a lizardman.

BC: They might have had a point. I didn't even realize the technology exists for such an operation. It's quite marvelous if they've managed to do all this.

CC: Itsss smagic!

BC: Of course. So why now, why bring this up now. You could have said something before, you could have appealed to the commissioner.

CC: The commish ssis an ssorc.

BC: That's a really good point but this is a Blood Bowl league. There is a long history of magic use and besides I'm not sure using the brain of a chimpanzee really grants one a competitive advantage. Do you realize that there used to be a team that fielded a flesh golem. It had the legs of a runner and the arms of a body builder and the head of, perhaps, a philosopher. How is that any different than what the Desert Dragons or the Pitch Privateers are doing?

CC: Ssbecausss they're cheatssss! (agitated)

BC: Really. I don't even understand what you're trying to imply with loaded dice allegations and sure, underage smoking is really really bad but I just don't see the other teams lining up to complain about it and it keeps the kids out of some of the really bad stuff they can get into in these dark times.

CC: Snot ssuposed to use that many Saurussss'sss! (really agitated)

BC: To the rest of a us a lizard is a lizard. Imagine if you were to tell the orc teams or the goblin teams that they couldn't use that many orcs. They'd get pretty sore about it and maybe, probably, do something worse.

CC: They can't use...(interupted while really really agitated)

BC: No. The fans of blood bowl just don't care about your outdated class systems. A lizard is just a lizard. I'm sure to you the socio-political ramifications of your cultural differences are meaningful but keep it off the blood bowl pitch.

CC: Ssstupid scheatsssss! (agitated)

BC: It seems these cheating allegations are really just because you're upset at being fired due to incompetance.

CC: SsI quitss! They scan't fire me if i'ves alreadyssss squits! (agitated, storms off)

BC: We'll have to leave it up to the Commissioner and the other teams if ...

OFF CAMERA: The commissioner is an orc!

BC: Ultimately, we'll have to leave it to the fans and the other teams coaches to determine if these allegations are worth consideration or nothing but a bunch of hot air from a cold-blooded malcontent. But I think it's safe to say nobody's gonna take any of this seriously. This star reporter certainly isn't and I for one am looking forward to the late-season of blood bowl with the Desert..er.. Pitch Privateers leading the way whether it's through hard work and team skills or through magically altering the genetic code of mutant smoking baby lizards.

OFF CAMERA: Dirty cheats!

Behold! The anger of your Lord Bulworth! It is just like a lizardman to not know their places. They should be feeding the mighty Slann our feasts or washing our windows instead of mocking us upon the pitch of blood. So many questions are finally answered. The truth can never be hidden and was so obvious this entire time. Consider this your Lord Bulworth's formal complaint. The lizardmen must be outcast from the league. Those that repent can go back to cleaning our filth buckets and waxing our floors; all others must be shunted into the 6th dimension.
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Feb. 20th, 2015
Blood for the Bloodbowl Gods
Your Lord Bulworth is infuriated! The forces of the cosmos have aligned themselves against us once again. A galling pummeling at the hands of some musclebound elves. Then a heart-rending tie against yet more of the ugly humans. Is there is no end to these ugly beasts?
Speaking of beasts! Yet another 1-1 tie against the prancing and dancing ogres. Shame! Humiliation! The snotlings had their best dancing shoes on. Proving their worth time and again they would not be contained. They would not be stopped and they could not be knocked down. They danced about us with style, grace. It's obvious Coach Berta practiced hard with them all week. And the fouls! Oh the fouls! If the great god Nuffle has turned against the honorable Slann, then the Karmic Reckoning against the horrible coach Berta will be terrible indeed.
Last time the gods were appeased with a great Saurus sacrifice. Luckily, the schedule shows another game against lizardmen. They will have saurus! I sense a change in our misfortune coming. Love the Slann!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Feb. 12th, 2015
The Mighty Slann
Hark! Your Lord Bulworth speaks! Once more We have matched muscle and wits upon the Bowl of Blood and once more We have been victorious. This time the hairy humes have proven their inferiority. The humans provided us with much laughter and mirth as they time and again could not even pick up the ball. Ha Ha! But in all seriousness, despite the fun, the mighty Slann have much better things to do with their time. Please respect that in the future and get your forfeitures in now. There is no disrespect in forfeiting, in fact, it shows much humility and foresight on your part. Love the Slann!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Jan. 21st, 2015
The Gods of Chaos
Behold! Your Lord Bulworth demands attention! Thrice we have entered the bowl of blood and thrice we have been denied Our rightful victory. The gods of chaos are fickle and stupid creatures who are messing up Our games. We will no longer bow to chaos and chance. We demand Order! And so, for Order to reign once more we have chosen to appease these stupid gods of luck.
This task has fallen to the skink Hemlock and like any good lizardman in thrall to the mighty Slann he has strived to achieve honor among his betters. With success! He played a miserable 1st half against his bretheren lizardmen but undaunted he sharpened up his sacrificial daggers for the 2nd half. Then not 1 but 2 foolish sauri fell before his mighty blades of doom. These ridiculous creatures will provide a fine sacrifice to the ridiculous gods of chaos.
No longer will We be defied! No longer will the cubes of entropy bounce and tumble against Us! They will provide sixes (and an occasional five is fine). Once again, all will fall before the Galling Tyranny of Time, Space, and Natural Law.
Because of Our expected turnaround We will now be accepting your forfeitures in advance - get them in as soon as possible to avoid the rush. Love the Slann!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
Jan. 9th, 2015
HARK!!
Behold! Heed the words of your Lord Bulworth, It has begun! I have heard the rumblings from the mountaintops. I have heard the screams from the ocean depths. I have heard the whisperings in the darkness. The coming of the Slann is upon you and you cannot hide your fear.

But you must not fear the coming of the Slann! The Slann have come to conquer, We have come to destroy and to feed but you must not fear us; for your fear could never be adequate. Does the slave fear the master? Does the dog fear it's master? Neigh! The slave worships it's master. The dog loves it's master. And like the slaves and dogs you are, you must worship us. You must love us. Love the Slann!
- Lord Bulworth the Unfathomable
 
 
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Galling Tyranny of Time
Race:  Slann
Coach:  Lord Bulworth the Unnatural


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